Why do I hurt?

I wonder everyday. Why do I hurt?  I am, now, very happily married.  Yet I ache for him and what we had.  Whatever that was.  Real or not.  I ache for it.  Every day I think about him. What he is doing. Is he happy?   I really want him to be happy.  But I want him to ache for me too.  NEVER cheat.  It is not worth it.  Or, is it?

My Sickness

“You are my sickness.”

“If I’m your sickness, I am the cure.”

Overwhelmed With Regret

Living with regret goes against everything I believe in to live a happy life.  But regret is creeping in and haunting me everyday.   For those of you who know my story, The Story of Jack, I guess you would agree this is a good thing?  Only time will tell.

Fuck Reality

the weather this weekend was beautiful
the thunder rolled
and the lightning struck
the rain hid my tears
I didn’t give a fuck

the company this weekend was amazing
he held my hand
and he kissed my lips
but it wasn’t his hands
I felt on my hips

the dream this weekend was comforting
you were here with me
and you touched my face
when I opened my eyes
I still felt your embrace

the reality this weekend was ..
it was as it always is
it was reality
fuck reality

Jack Came Back.

He was back.  For a brief moment he was back.  Just long enough to remind me that timing is everything.   Just long enough to prove that everything does happen for a reason.

For months I was angry and confused.  I asked myself why everyday.  I blamed Jack for the reason I felt sick and out of control.  How could he have done this without giving me any answers?  Was I special or just one of many?  Did I really allow myself to be manipulated?    Or did I manipulate him?  I was sick.  It felt like I had been poisoned by his love.

For nearly nine months I was poked and prodded on in ways that animals shouldn’t be touched, let alone humans. I was put on different medications, each of them having side effects of their own. I was going through a personal hell that no one could relate to. Finally, I would find out that I had been poisoned.  My body was releasing toxins that made me feel tired, weak, depressed and defeated.   Almost immediately after surgery I felt euphoric.

I let Jack know I was having surgery and I let him know all went well. I would want him to do the same for me, although I doubt he would. That was the extent of our conversation. For most of my recovery Jack was out of the country. Last I checked they had internet service in foriegn lands. Jack was able to connect daily to check his email, but not the email account we used to chat with, he was way too busy for that. It didn’t stop me from emailing him from time to time to let him know he was on my mind. I would want him to do the same for me, but there was no doubt, I knew he wouldn’t do that because he never has. Oddly enough it didn’t bother me.

Although the past ten months has taken a toll on my body, I was feeling the best I have in almost a year, both mentally and physically. I was in control again. By the time Jack got back to the states. I was one day away from being released with no restrictions from my surgeon.

I’m back, you miss me perchance? his email said. I was glad he was back. I was glad he was safe. I missed him and he knew it. Our emails back and forth that day were flirtatious and made me laugh. It felt like it did when we first met. I knew immediately that Jack was OK. I knew that he wasn’t depressed, or angry or even upset. I knew he wasn’t tortured by memories of us. I knew he was happy. It was all I needed to realize and understand that the only reason things happened the way they did between us is because that’s what he chose for us.

I emailed a few more times over the next few days with no response. His life had gone back to what it was which meant no time for me. But this time it was different. It didn’t make me sad or angry. And I didn’t get depressed or even question why. I smiled and I laughed. And it felt good. I am happy. And I am healthy. And I knew that I didn’t need Jack in my life to be able to laugh, or even to make me smile ear to ear.

While I may no longer have a need for Jack in my life, I do still have a burning desire. I always will. I loved love Jack. But I will never again lower my standards or compromise my integrity for any man, let alone a man who can’t show me enough respect to check his goddamn email and give me five minutes a day of his precious time.

And this…this is my choice.