Why do I still ache for him? I am extremely happy with my life, my career, my marriage, I am happy. But every day I think about him. What he’s doing. Is he happy? More than anything, I want him to be happy. If I knew he was happy, I think I could move on. But I have this sick feeling I will never know. And that’s the way he wants it.
I wonder everyday. Why do I hurt? I am, now, very happily married. Yet I ache for him and what we had. Whatever that was. Real or not. I ache for it. Every day I think about him. What he is doing. Is he happy? I really want him to be happy. But I want him to ache for me too. NEVER cheat. It is not worth it. Or, is it?
I remember our first Valentine’s Day like it was yesterday. No, it is not what you are thinking. It was not magical. It was not romantic. We live hundreds of miles apart, how could it be? All the same, I remember it so well.
I stayed awake the night before writing a poem for him. It wasn’t a poem that one would call awesome or brilliant. I just took each letter of the word VALENTINE and wrote a poem for him, each letter stating something about how awesome Jack is and why I love him. I sent it to him early in the morning so I was sure he would get it when he woke up. That’s what he did. When he woke up he would text me with “Good Morning Sweetheart” and check his mail.
As the day went by I received gift after gift, texts, notes, emails wishing me a Happy Valentine’s Day. Little reminders that I was loved. But they were not from Jack. They were from my husband. Jack never responded to my email. And he never even said I love you that day. Needless to say I was a little more than upset. For the first time I was actually pissed off.
I let Jack know how I felt. His response was “I have been busy” and “I did compose an email response to you, but I deleted it after your nasty email”. For the next year, that would be his response. “I am busy” or “I have family in town” or “I have a big project I am working on”.
He started to say things about how I am high maintenance. And how I am demanding. And how I am too emotional. Really? Exactly how demanding can I be from across the country? My emotions, this is why he fell in love with me. And now he was bothered by it.
Waking up with Jack was nice. We each showered and headed out on the next adventure. We went to a little town with a street fest much like Bourbon Street in New Orleans.
We went to a nice hotel out of the way. This place had much nicer pillows. He liked that. Nice pillows was the tell-all to a hotel room. Truth is all we needed was a room with a bed and four walls. Even the bed is questionable. When we arrived we put our things in the room and went shopping at the market. We didn’t really buy anything, but it was fun to hang out and look at things. It was fun to be a normal couple. He knows I hated shopping. Maybe that is why he fell for me, a woman who actually hates shopping.
We napped for a while and then headed out for dinner. Thanks to the “Yelp” app we found a quaint little place with awesome sushi. I really wouldn’t know if it was awesome or not because I had never eaten sushi. I has also never had edamame. Jack was a great teacher. He showed me how to eat this stuff with chopsticks and didn’t laugh when I dropped my food everywhere. OK, he didn’t laugh very hard. Jack is well educated. I learned a lot from him, He was always eager to teach and I was very eager to learn. I never felt inferior, There was always amazing comfort with Jack. From that point on whenever I would tell him that I ate my sushi with a fork he would refer to me as an imbecile and we would laugh. I thought it was cute, maybe it was repulsive to him.
We left and went to the street fest for a few hours. Jack likes metal music and I am more into easy rock or country. There was a mix for both of us. But he settled in a little bar with me listening to a country band. We really couldn’t drink too much since we were driving in a foreign city. Actually, I was driving in a foreign city and he was making fun of me. God, how I miss joking and laughing with him. I miss him so much. Especially as a relive these adventures.
We left the fest and headed back to the hotel room for a night much more better than the night before. Once we got back to the room we had great sex. We were really comfortable with each other at this point. We fell asleep in each other’s arms. I was not ready for what happened when he woke me up in the middle of the night …..