“It can never happen to me”

Have you ever said those words?  I have.  Many times.  I was wrong. And I shake in my own skin as I write this.

You all know of my fairy-tale romance:
The Story of Jack.

I recently found out that everything I had with Jack was a lie.  It had happened to me.   My first reaction was to expose him for who he is and what he does.  But for what reason?  And at what cost?    I am not the first he had done this to.  And I will not be the last.

Women don’t want to hear the truth when they are on the middle of being manipulated, by Jack or anyone else for that matter.   Men like Jack have a way a making you feel special, different, like you are the only one that understands him.  He needs you.  The way that Jack spoke to me, the times he layed in bed and “cried” with me, the way I felt with his arms around me,  the lies he told to make me think that we had a connection.   All are a part of his emotional warfare. 

Later after the excitement wears off, he is perpetrating his next victim while making you feel like you are crazy.  Like you are the one with the problem.   Like you are the reason things changed.  Truth is he has no time for you anymore.  Your mere existence is a bother.  But he won’t be the one to cut the strings because he still wants to dangle you by a thread.   Eventually the string does break and you come tumbling down. Get up bitch.  You can do it.

I told you “Don’t get attached.”    Somehow this statement he made in the beginning makes it easier for him to sleep at night.

I prayed for Jack everynight.  Prayed for good health for his wife.  Prayed that God would bless him with a child. Was that a lie too?  His desire to have a child?  Let’s hope so.  Men like Jack have no business dabbling in procreation.   My prayers for him will be different going forward.  One day he will be absent from my prayers altogether. One day.

The saddest part?  Well, I gave him a part of me that I gave no one else.  A part of me that I will never get back.  Men like Jack feast on that.  The conquer.  It’s no surprise he lives with demons inside of him.  How silly of me to think I was the one to change that.   The one to make a difference in his life.  The one to show him what true love is.  Oh, silly girl!

And the best part?  The best part is I have closure and I can move on while he suffers in his bubble filled with foolish women who thinks he is as awesome as he thinks he is. How I wish I could be there to see the bubble pop, or better yet to stick a pin in it.

DId I get what I deserved?  Probably. But  I’m better than that.  I know it.  And he knows it.

Real Men Don’t Cry

We all know the saying don’t we?

Real Men Don’t Cry

I couldn’t disagree more.

Jack and I were tired from the afternoon of drinking, sports and sexual excursions but we knew this was our last night in town so we decided to head back out for a bit.   We met up with my co-workers for a drink and happy hour and shortly thereafter made our way back to the room to freshen up and change clothes.    I think reality started to set in for both of us.  Reality, that’s a bitch isn’t it?

We decided not to go back out for the evening because it was already late and it was cold as hell outside.   Jack and I stayed locked up in our room for the rest of the night.   He would be getting on a plane very early the next morning and we both knew this would be the last time we would see each other.   We just knew.

The proverbial making love one last time never happened but it wasn’t from lack of trying.    We were both emotionally drained and getting wet and getting hard was not going to happen.  But what did happen meant so much more.  As I laid on top of him my tears started to drip onto his face.  He was so beautiful.  He is beautiful.  We talked a lot about our love for each other.  What if we had met earlier?  What if I could still have kids?  Was this fate?  Were we meant to be together?   C’mon we met by chance on a damn game/phone app for God’s sake.  That said, at the end of the day, I knew Jack deserved to be a father.    And I knew once he had a child not only would we never see each other again, we would probably never speak again.   Never in a million years would I want to be a cause of pain for an innocent child.

Jack and I cried that night.   We cried a lot.   I’m crying as I write this post.   I laid in his arms and cried until my face hurt.   And I held him as he cried in my arms.   He had never opened up this way with anyone.   He had never cried for a woman, let alone in front of one.   I know he was hurting.   And torn.   And confused.   But we both knew what was and what wasn’t.

He had to leave before sunrise to go home to his wife.   We sat on the bed and just looked at each other and held each other for what seemed like hours but was only minutes.    And just before leaving, we both stood up and he looked at me partly with love partly with guilt.  “Don’t cry Jackie.  Please, you are so beautiful.  I don’t want to remember you this way”.    I sucked it up.   Made a few jokes.  And once he closed the door I started wailing like a baby.    I hadn’t experienced a loss like this since my Mother died.

I never felt more alone than I did that morning.   Knowing in my mind it was over.   Knowing in my heart it never would be.   That was more than a year ago.  And it still burns.  His wife still has not been able to give him a child.   And I feel so damn cheated.

Together Again – Finally

The time had come.   I was on the plane headed out of town contemplating how I was going to tell my co-workers I was having an affair and that I would be meeting “the other man” in this quaint little town.  I told one of the girls to cover for me, only to find out that she had been doing the same thing for months as well.   It was a “whew” moment for sure.    We were in town only a few hours before Jack arrived.   Luckily the other co-worker had jet lag and fell to sleep early, so it was not until the next morning when she started looking for me in the hotel room that the cat was out of the bag.  All went well though.  I was not judged.

Jack arrived into town shortly before midnight.   I waited anxiously at the hotel room for him.   His cab arrived and my heart started pounding.   When I opened the door it was as if the three months that we were separated had never existed.   The sex, the passion, there are really no words for it.  But after the first go around things took a turn for the worse.   After the drinks on the plane and in town and the array of food I had eaten, I was not feeling well.   I spent most of the night in the bathroom.   Jack was amazingly sweet.   He held me and cuddled so close to me that he practically pushed me out of the bed.   “I can’t get close enough to you” he said.  My eyes swelled up with tears.   That is something Jack and I both were lacking in our marriages, affection.  Being touched, It does great things to a person.  It can make all the difference in a marriage.

The next morning we went for breakfast.   It was freezing outside.   We both hated the cold but we were glad we had each other, it could have been a blizzard for all we cared.  We enjoyed the day together taking in the sights.  Talking.  Laughing. Touching.  Enjoying.  Wanting.  Really wanting.

I finally got to be “normal” with him and watch a football game in a sports bar.   My team won of course.   I was so enjoying being able to laugh with Jack.  Before his game, we grabbed a couple of drinks and headed to the room …..

 

Always the Same Ending

Don’t you get it?

I never asked you to leave your wife.
As a matter of fact, I never wanted you to.
I just never dreamed that you would leave me.

Without Trust You Cannot Love

He’s on her, thrusting and panting.    She wants him to grab her and fuck her hard.  Fuck her deep.  Make her hurt.   Yes, fuck her like she is the last woman on earth.  She wants him moaning with pleasure.  Not because she thinks this is what he wants but because this is what she wants.  In the real world, she is strong and innocent.  She is the leader and the role model.  Behind closed doors she wants to be taken.  To be consumed.  To be controlled.  To be owned.   She wants him to get lost in a fantasy where he keeps her begging for more because she can’t get enough.  She can never get enough.  There was nothing dirty about it.   There is nothing dirty about it.  And then the door opens.

Maybe she should have listened to him.  Had she listened there would be no complex situations.  He told her not to fall in love with him.  He told her not to get attached.   Why after a week of their meeting can he say “I’ve missed you.”  And after a few weeks say “I need you”   After a few months say “I love you.”  And after almost two years say “I feel nothing.”    Why was that okay?

The soundtrack of her life is far from that of Unchained Melody.   She believed the words he wrote for her.  She lived the words he sang to her.  “How can I not feel the way that I feel?” … “Are you scared?” … “Together, we will make it fine”.     Truth is they are not together, they are not even connected.    Truth is that as awesome as he thinks he is he let someone just as awesome walk out of his life.   No, he didn’t let it happen, he made it happen, he pushed her out of his life with his goddamned stubbornness.  Truth is all he can see is her face when he close his eyes.   Truth is all he can hear is her saying “I love you” and knowing what love is supposed to feel like.   Truth is feeling guilty for not feeling guilty.  Truth is knowing he could have had it all and settled for nothing.   Truth is he would rather live with regrets than take a chance.   Truth is without trust there is no love.  Truth is he can never define forever.  Truth is it was all a lie.

Why worry about the weather? Or being on time?   About what you are wearing?  Or how your pictures turn out?   Why worry about first impressions?  Or unread messages?  Why go back in time when worries were simple?   Why even try to redo what has been undone?  Why?

She doesn’t give a damn.   She feels nothing.   She no longer laughs with happiness.   And no longer cries with sadness.  She doesn’t care.  She used to hate it when someone said those words, “I don’t care”.    Never say those words because the truth is you do care.   But now she gets it.  Now she understands it.  Now she can say “I don’t care” and mean it.   Maybe she will thank him for that one day.