Why do I still ache for him? I am extremely happy with my life, my career, my marriage, I am happy. But every day I think about him. What he’s doing. Is he happy? More than anything, I want him to be happy. If I knew he was happy, I think I could move on. But I have this sick feeling I will never know. And that’s the way he wants it.
I am leaving
I will be by myself. Alone. For 10 days.
And I want him. After all this time, I ache for him. Why? Can someone please tell me why?
I wonder everyday. Why do I hurt? I am, now, very happily married. Yet I ache for him and what we had. Whatever that was. Real or not. I ache for it. Every day I think about him. What he is doing. Is he happy? I really want him to be happy. But I want him to ache for me too. NEVER cheat. It is not worth it. Or, is it?
It is the season. One that we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. But also one where we gather with our loved ones and celebrate the moment. But what if you can not celebrate with the one you love? What if the one you love does not believe in Jesus Christ?
For those of you who follow this blog, you know my miserable and ridiculous story. Part of me wants to delete the blog. Part of me wants to keep it forever.
I wonder sometimes if I will ever forget about Jack. I wonder sometimes if I really want to. And I wonder if he ever thinks about me. And if he does, does he hurt? Or does he smile? Or do I still make him sick?
Does that ever go away?