Today would have been our second anniversary. Two years. Hmmmm … many emotions today. The first year was absolutely amazing. Yeah sure, we had our ups and downs but I think all couples do. We were not your traditional couple so our ups and downs were quite different than others.
We’ve not seen each other in a year and I have not heard his voice since last September. “I will settle for only a little part of you. I need you in my life Jackie” he said. I took him for his word. I asked not for too much. I gave him want he wanted and left me because he could not have all of me. End the end, he wanted all of me and all of her too. My world doesn’t spin that way. As long as I was sharing myself I could share him. But if I was not sharing myself there was no way in hell I could share him. It was hard enough as it was.
We don’t play the game on Android anymore. Well, I play it but he will not play with me. I don’t think he realizes how much it hurt me for him to refer to it as a “stupid game.” It is how we met, if not for that stupid game we would have never met each other. Maybe it was not the game he was referring to. Maybe he refers to it as a stupid game because we met there.
So we don’t play the game which means we don’t chat there anymore either. Sometimes I hope to see a pop up on my screen “Jack has invited you to play”, but I know it will never come. I remember when we used to IM each other at work all day. Just stupid little things that made each other laugh.
I miss laughing with Jack more than anything. I don’t know why, since last June or July he has had no sense of humor. It’s like he died in a sense. “I’m just busy” he proclaimed.
He will respond to my email if I send him one. But his response is very cold and distant. His emails have been cold and distant for months now. He doesn’t open up to me. He does not talk to me. He does not tell me how he feels. He shares no part of his life with me. So I am left to assume.
I worried for a long time that something was wrong with Jack. I begged him and pleaded for him to tell me. Then I accepted the fact that he made these decisions. It was simply his decision not to relate with me anymore.
Perhaps this is a result of me telling him to “Fuck Off” one day after being ignored. Perhaps this is a result of me calling him one day when I knew he was with his wife. Perhaps I will never know or maybe I don’t deserve to know.
Perhaps one day I will have regrets or feel guilty. But for now I don’t. I just miss him. I miss Jack alot.
And I wish he missed me too.
Happy Anniversary Jack.