Roller Coaster From Hell

Immediately after leaving Jack at the airport I began my ride on the roller coaster from hell.   I cried for the two-hour drive home, having to pull over twice.   I didn’t mean to fall in love with Jack.   He always told me “Don’t get attached Jackie.”   And I didn’t.   For a long time I did not get attached.

To look at the two of us, you would never believe we were a couple, but we were in every sense of the word.  I knew when he was going to lunch. I knew what he was doing every night.  I knew when he went to bed and when he woke up.   I sometimes got to go along with him if he were alone.  We were a part of each other.

We struggled for the weeks that followed not really knowing what to do.  Where do you go from here? I decided to schedule a conference out of town with some co-workers, hoping that Jack and I could have another weekend rendezvous.   Jack was excited and said he would make it work, but it would be another 3 months before we would see each other again.

During that three months we fought, we cried, we laughed and we played.   The sexting was more amazing than ever.   Telling each other “I love you babe” was now a normal part of conversation.   I made Jack lay his cards out on the table before we saw each other again.  He was a little hesitant but did so because he knew I deserved an answer.    The bottom line is this:  I am just too old.   He never thought in a million years he would be in love with a grandmother.   He had not even had kids of his own.  Kids, that was our biggest obstacle.   I had my tubes tied and I was not able to have children.   And he is such an amazing man I knew he would be a great father.    Having two kids of my own, I would never deny him that right.    I shrugged, even laughed, and told him that even though I was married the one thing I could not leave behind was my dog.  I teased him with hope because the dog was old and could die any day.   That got to be a question of the week, did the dog die yet ? Truth is I just wanted to be wanted.  I would like to think I would have left everything behind for him, but I think a little part of me was somewhat relieved.

Over the next few weeks I found that I could not handle the roller coaster of emotions that came with loving Jack.  I tried to walk away.  I tried telling him that I cannot do this anymore.   He agreed.   He understood.  He said he would settle for any part of me that I was willing to give, that he just wanted me in his life on some level.    He left shortly thereafter for a 10 day vacation with his wife.   We both agreed before he left that we were done, at least on a physical level.    That was the worst ten days of my life.  I couldn’t wait for him to get back.   I wasn’t sure when he would be home, but I sent him an email to let him know I was waiting.   He contacted me shortly after he arrived back in the states.  While he had a great vacation, he couldn’t help but picture me with him everywhere he and is wife explored.

We were back on.  I knew I would never have him.  But I also knew I never wanted to be without him.  We had something to look forward to.   It was only seven more weeks until we were in each others arms again.  Even if it was for only a very short time ….